If you've been wondering how to finally overcome your struggles with excess energy, mental clarity, and physical fitness, this blog article is for you! I have finally found the secret, and no matter where you look within the food or medical industry, you will not find the TOP SECRET method to feel like poo al day every day. It's a closely guarded secret, but I'm blowing the whistle!!
Get ready to dive headfirst into a world of lethargy, mood roller coasters, and multiple prescription drugs. Brace yourselves for the ultimate guide to feeling like sh*t! Be sure to take notes, and share this post with anyone you know who has too much dang energy and smiles way too often.
If I suddenly disappear, I want you all to know that I have no intentions of self harm or to escape to a foreign country. It won't be long before the feds are looking for the leaker of this top secret information. It's well worth the risk.
Here are the goods:
Tip 1: Move as little as possible, stay seated or laying whenever possible. Who needs exercise when you can lounge around like a sloth? If you do accidentally exercise, you will want to get still right away and rid those endorphins, increased energy levels, and overall well-being associated with physical activity. Don't underestimate the power of even a little bit of accidental exercise. You won't even notice the energy, mood and clarity boost until it's too late. It is also extremely habit forming, and you'll find yourself exercising and calling it something else, so you can lie to your friends. If you see any of them exhibiting smiles, positivity, and energetic clarity, you must call them out for their closet exercising. Fit shaming is the only way to combat this at the grass roots level.
Tip 2: Consume Only Packaged Foods, with a lot of sugar, gluten, soy and dairy. Forget about those vegetables, they make you fart. Opt for highly processed, sugar-laden snacks, and meals that leave your body craving real sustenance. This way, you can eat long after you are full. This will double down on energy drains. Check food labels (don't eat anything that doesn't have a barcode and nutritional information), and avoid anything that doesn't contain vegetable oils, canola, added sugars, artificial flavors/colors, and Roundup. (It's not just for plants). #science
Tip 3: Stay up as late as possible and watch scary movies or the news right before bed. This will be automatic if you're following your diet. Your circadian rhythm will deliver a boost of cortisol right before you go to bed and melatonin about an hour before your alarm goes off. This one really does take care of itself, especially if you're following the mindset advice. You should really shame yourself for everyday that you wake up without dark circles or bags under your eyes.
Tip 4: Focus only on what you don't have and/or what you didn't accomplish in life. Book a call if you need some resources to help you stay away from growth and self mastering lines of thinking. That really is the kiss of death. If it ever becomes a habit, not even I can help you. If you can't find anything to covet or complain about, you're just not paying attention. Come back when you really want this. Lastly, never make friends with people who don't act and think like this. They will brainwash you into thinking you can do something good with your life. Selfish A$$holes.
Tip 5: Adopt a firm nihilistic stance, and hate on God. If you wake up with hope and believe in God, you're pretty much a failure. Don't fall into that trap. You won't find any misery if you find your divine connection to your creator. Even worse, if you have any hope at all, that will poison you with motivation. Before you know it, you'll have dreams, core values, learn all about yourself and others. You'll be hard pressed to feel like sh*t if that ever happens. You've been warned.
Conclusion: You are now armed with the industry's best-kept secrets on how to feel like absolute garbage for longer, more often. Remember, this journey towards misery is not for the faint of heart. Embrace sedentary living, indulge in nutritional disasters, skip sleep, avoid happiness at all costs, and neglect self-care, and be a close minded atheist. Together, we can achieve the ultimate goal of feeling like sh*t and revel in the misery that accompanies it.
Disclaimer: This blog is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only. The pursuit of health, happiness, and overall well-being is highly recommended and far superior to feeling like sh*t. Please consult with qualified professionals for advice on leading a healthy and fulfilling life.....like use the link below to book a call and stuff...
Peace, Much Love, Live like Sh*t (Just Kidding : )
Coach Jerry
