We've all been there. You post your opinion or data link on the covid plandemic, mandatory medical experiment participation, or eating meat and get attacked by people just as passionate about the opposite side as you are. Perhaps is a heated argument with the spouse. If you're like me, you've struggled to keep your cool, and sometimes the conversation turns into a battle of attrition, hoarse voices, headaches and cool bed sheets.
In my work, I seem to have found a niche in dismantling triggers. I feel it's because my past has been filled with anger and anxiety issues. Combine that with an innate need to be right, and you have the perfect recipe for a day full of confrontation. I learned my lessons the hard way, but it is my hope that you can learn from me what not to do.
What is a typical outcome of an argument? Nothing gets accomplished and both parties walk away feeling awful, and a promise to argue better next time. I should've said this, or that. Next time, when they say this, I'll forward this link, and they will shut up. Mic Drop!
We can stop this madness, and when we do, maybe we can turn our attention to the crooks and robbers who lied to begin with.
I digress...
I have a much different approach when helping people navigate their strategy for conversing without swallowing their emotions, or getting abused while staying silent to avoid losing their cool. I have them focus on the energy they are co-creating.
A conversation, is just an energy exchange. Think of how you feel after a deeply connected exchange. You feel inspired, your posture straightens, your smile brightens, and you feel energized. Now, compare that to how you feel after a heated exchange. Maybe you said stuff you didn't mean to win. Maybe you just sat there and took it, or a little of both.
When we co create this energy, it's a literal volley of energy, like tennis. You get served or serve a comment or reply. The serve is returned, and it's a bit "hotter and faster" than the serve. That is returned, again a bit hotter and faster like a hot potato, you can't type or talk fast enough with your trump card kill shot.
With that in mind, you can instantly change the energy dynamic from red to green, the color of love. I use and teach non violent communication techniques that were coined by Marshall Rosenberg in his book by the same name. His system has many steps and techniques, which are sometimes less than practical in most situations, so check out the Pocket Guide for Non Violent communication for quick reference. I've distilled a version down to a line that works in most situations.
"I can tell you're upset, and maybe it's about something else. What do you need from me right now?" You can personalize this concept to the context you are using it. What you've done here is 2 very simple things.
You have acknowledged that you sense their frustration and value that more than the topic at hand.
You are willing to put your own needs aside to help ease their tension
If you've seen any of my recent content about age regression, inner child states and the like, this applies. If not, basically, when we age regress, we go to a childlike state. When in a heated argument, we have 2 children fighting. There needs to be at least one adult in the room, so to speak, and it might as well be you : ). What does a wounded child want and need the most?.....a stable and capable adult.
Check out this video for further context:
P.S.- Please excuse the resting b!tch face, I promise there are lots of smiles in here : )
If you are done letting your triggers affect you for more than 2 minutes, my October 2023 online workshop will be just for you. 10% of my 1/1 program will be the investment, with very minimal time investment, there's no reason to let those triggers come up for air! Click the link below to get more details.
Peace, Much Love, Live Well!
Coach Jerry
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